CHAPTER 675: IN WHICH I FIX ENDGAME WITH SOME STINGERS

< SPOILERS AHEAD >




 Credits roll.   People stick around because, like Pavlov's dogs, they're conditioned to wait at the end of Marvel movies now.   Lo and Behold, here's your stinger:


As the funeral ends, a group gathers at the shore and watches Tony's flowers drift away.

The camera pans around to reveal that the crowd consists of Bucky, Vanessa from Deadpool, Elektra, Frank Castle, two regular Gwen Staceys, Gwenpool, Spider-Gwen, an old guy with a name tag that says Uncle Ben, Red Skull, 2014 Gamora, Colossus, Jean Grey, Scott Summers, Madeline Pryor, Stan Lee, Groot, Elvis and Grand Moff Tarkin for some reason.

BUCKY:  So, what do we give him?  Three years, tops?

Everybody laughs for an awkwardly long time.
........
Star wipe to the revolving doors in front of Stark Tower.   Mistress Death and Deadpool are hanging out next to the door.

DEATH: Wait for it....

DEADPOOL:  Are we being too obvious here?

Cue Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear The Reaper".

DEATH: What ever would make you say that?

Wolverine comes through the door holding a bag of money and contract with mouse ears on it.

DEADPOOL:  Oooh!  A hidden Mickey!

WOLVERINE: What's up Spider-man?

DEADPOOL:  Close enough.

Death, Deadpool and Wolverine skip off through Manhattan, pausing to look at the Latverian embassy.

DEATH: Now we're being too obvious.

......

Cut to the Sanctum Solarium.   Wong and Dr. Strange are eating sandwiches on the front steps.

WONG:  So, in all those millions of possible outcomes, how many ended with us actually getting sandwiches?

DR. STRANGE:  Only one.   Actually, most outcomes ended with everyone surviving and Thanos just tripling the amount of resoruces in the universe instead of killing everyone, but I hate Tony Stark.
Both men laugh.

.........

Death, Deadpool and Wolverine continue skipping through a  cemetery, pausing to dance a circle around Jack Kirby's headstone.

They run into Rhodey Rhodes,  who looks a little depressed.

WOLVERINE:  Why the long face, bub?

RHODEY:  I put up with Tony Stark's bullshit for over a decade, you guys.   And all I have to show for it is that I didn't die a horrible trope.

DEATH and DEADPOOL:  Like Nat, Vanessa and Thor's mom!

RHODEY:  I mean, that fucking raccoon got his space family and tree friend back.  Thor got Absolved of responsibilities and can be the pudgy space Lewbowski he apparently always wanted to be.   Hulk is having to invent new forms of birth control for himself now that he has discovered adjectives.   Antman and the serial killer got their families  back.   Nebula got her sister back.   Valkyrie is now Queen of Asgard.  Pretty sure Wong got that sandwich he wanted...

Death snaps her fingers.  Rhodes's clothes transform into Buck Swope's red western apparel, and Stan Bush's "You've Got the Touch" plays.   She Hulk rides by on roller skates motioning him to follow her. 

RHODES:  Wow!  Thanks death!
......
Magneto, Scarlet Witch and Captain Marvel are sitting on a nearby park bench.

MAGNETO:  My dear daughter who I have not seen in a very long time and could not assist due to complicated legal issues, please explain to me why the Wakandans coudln't just fix him now that the stone is removed, baring in mind that he is an android?

WANDA:   Apparently because I don't have a white or green penis.

CAPTAIN MARVEL:  Oh snap!

Captain Marvel and Scarlet Witch high five, then sigh and glare at the camera.

MAGNETO:  Doesn't Vision have a green....

VISION:  I sure do!

CAPTAIN MARVEL:  I didn't need to know that!

VISION:  And I brought Captain Marve a Cookie Puss!

CAPTAIN MARVEL:  Wow!  My life is now complete!

......

Black Widow and 2018 Gamora are just standing around on Voromir, looking annoyed.

GAMORA  They're still making a solo movie about you, right?

BLACK WIDOW:  Yes...?