The Hateful Man's Election Special

Alright! Alright! Alright!

The Hateful Man has heard your pleas to comment on the current state of presidential politics in the United States.

So, how should a Truly Hateful Man vote?

Well, Wendy, like every election year, you have a choice between several rich honkies, two of whom have a somewhat viable chance of winning, and several of whom exist for the sole purpose of keeping their tingle-pants going for another six weeks.

(That's not true.  I'm just bitchy when I've been huffing varnish.  Hell, I'm not even real.  I'm a character like Bob Dylan.)

The Hateful Neophyte may be tempted to vote for Trump.   I mean, the guy just kind of screams Hateful Man, right?

Wrong.  You're dead wrong, Wendy.  And you're stupid and you have a dumb haircut that reminds me of John Denver for some weird fucking reason that might be some kind of strange, uncomfortable turn on for me that I don't want to address right now.   But back to Trump.

Actually, never use the phrase "but back to Trump".   He's old, and pretty clearly a fucking pig and might think you said "butt, back to Trump" and take it as an opening for inappropriate sexual advances.

Now, going back to the topic of Trump.  No, Trump is not a good choice for the Truly Hateful for many, many reasons, not the least of which is that Trump is either a complete mouth breather, or just assumes that everyone else is and addresses us all as such.    He speaks to us like Derek Zoolander, and speaks for people who see people who speak like Derek Zoolander as a good choice for leading the motherfucking free world.

His hate is not aimed at the obnoxious, insipid shit we as Hateful Men have to contend with everyday.   In fact, his brand of hate only further enables the banality we stand against.

He would turn away immigrants who could improve the cultural make up of our country in order to ensure the ignorant unfettered, intellectually unchallenged access to the Wonder Bread aisle.  He invokes the boogeyman of terror while allowing Russia to run roughshod over the human rights of the citizens of Aleppo, creating another generation of foreign terrorists and just straight up giving warm fuzzies to actual domestic terrorists at his rallies.

He disregards science and the intelligence community, insults our allies, and doesn't see or at least doesn't bother to call out the failings of the idea of racist ideology when it is espoused by his supporters.

His public persona doesn't understand why we shouldn't use nuclear weapons or even joke about doing so.   I honestly don't know if the man is legitimately that fucking stupid or is just trying to seem macho to people who are.

And therein actually lies the thing that bothers me most about Trump.   Yes, all politicians have a public persona.  But Trump's public persona is straight-up kayfabe.    The things he says, the claims he make are fucking ludicrous when you look at his past words and actions.   His ads present us with this Hulk Hogan character, but the reality we've all endured for forty-plus years is unsettling Terry Bollea sex tapes and audio.  Hell, the man has even told us that he has a huuuuge dong while standing at a podium.  In reality, he's proven himself to be the epitome of yuppie scum, working against the interest of the common people, fucking over friend, foe and complete strangers just to (sort of) make a fucking buck.  But even in that regard, he has a long track record of being a shitty businessman who is better at self-promotion than at maintaining an empire.


So what about Hillary?  Surely she's just as bad?

No.  Hillary represents the status quo.   Electing Hillary will probably just ensure a continuation of the political climate of the last eight years.   Think a center-left George H.W. Bush.  Congress will act as a buffer against any truly radical change because Congress hasn't done jack shit for the last eight with someone more progressive than her in office.

Those who know me know that I am also surprisingly strong supporter of the Second Amendment.   Despite what the NRA and the right would have you believe, she's not a threat to your right to bare arms.   The most she might do is curtail your ability to hang trucknuts off your vintage Bushmaster, but I kind of doubt even that will happen.  I actually kind of suspect she's in bed with the industry.

But what of Benghazi?  Why is this one event suddenly a lightning rod of Republican soul-searching on foreign policies, when these same people kiss a picture of Ronald Reagan before bed every night?   Why does a party that complains about big government and waste love nothing more than spending years and countless dollars investigating one public figure when nine years ago, their leadership blatantly lied in order to start a war that has killed 20,000+ Americans and their allies and wasted trillions of dollars?

But what about her massive corruption?  She's in bed with the Saudis!!!  She's a corporate shill who spoke to Wall Street!   Her charitable organization took foreign money!!

You do remember that she's running against Donald Fucking Trump, right? Like, there's run-of-the-mill money in politics crap, and then there's this fucking guy.

I'm not telling you to vote for her.    I'm just saying I don't mind Hillary in comparison to Trump.   That's not to say that she's the bees knees, but given the binary candidates, she's the least insulting one.


So, seriously though, what about third party candidates?

I'd almost endorse Gary Johnson if I didn't completely disagree with most of his platform.   I don't believe in non-interventionism, reducing taxes and gutting medicare and social security.   I can get behind his faking a heart attack, indicating he'd recently smoked the Devil's Lettuce during a debate policy, though.   Look, again, he's running against that fucking guy.  Go vote for him if you agree with him.

Speaking honestly and not in character here - Jill Stein is too liberal for me.   I'm not saying don't vote for her, though.  She seems like a good person.  Again, as with Johnson, I just don't agree with her foreign and defense policies.  But, yeah, vote for her if you want.  It's better than a vote for Trump.

Well then, am I endorsing anyone or anything?

Wendy, if there is one thing that I can get behind in this world, it's that the worst kind of vote is a not him vote.   But fuck me, one candidate is so unbelievably shitty that I have to endorse NOT HIM.