POLITICAL CORRECTNESS AND THE RISE OF "HAPPY HOLIDAYS"

(or "In Which I Preach to the Converted Like Michael Moore Instead of Doing the Dishes)

It's Christmastime again, and with Christmas comes the barrage of misuse of the term "political correctness". I'll touch on Christmas in a moment, but first, let me explain political correctness to you.

As a hateful man, a non-hateful man might expect me to be adamantly opposed to the notion of political correctness. After all, isn't my whole schtick that I genuinely hate every living thing, and therefore, shouldn't I hate the idea of catering to the sensitivities of other people?

Actually, no.

I'm all for being a total prick to other individuals -especially uppity ones. However, one of the great joys of being hateful is also finding hateful solidarity with other hateful individuals. Because of this, narrow minded beliefs like racism, homophobia, and sexism are fundamentally incompatible with hatefulness. The exception to this, of course, is that broadly hating on your own race, gender or sexual preference is fine. I hate white, heterosexual dudes as much as everyone else does. We're such mooks! Plus, working in a retail operation in the whitest state in the union, I can honestly and effortlessly say that stupid honky motherfuckers commit the vast majority of crimes I encounter.

While I think that political correctness can be taken to extremes, I'm actually a pretty strong supporter of the basic concept. Actual political correctness is a pretty groovy concept because its simply about being informed about other races and how they contribute to and participate in our society. The problem with political correctness is not political correctness itself, but people who don't understand the difference between being politically incorrect and being a racist, ethnocentric asshole.

Calling Frank Clark, the groovy 5th generation Chinese American guy with a Texas accent in accounting "Oriental" is politically incorrect because, really, it's just fucking dumb. The term never made any bit of sense when applied to anyone because it pretty much means anything that is not Western European or African. Its also the third best flavor of Ramen behind Shrimp and chili. I'm all for not looking like a dumbass. So yeah, that's the point of political correctness - not looking like a culturally ignorant jackass.

Calling Al Smith, the black guy that sits next to Frank a n***** is not politically incorrect. It's racist. There's a genuine contempt and fear of another race in the term. That's really the fine line between cultural ignorance and racism. One's stupid, ones stupid, dickish and fearful at its core.

This brings us to Christmas and the eternal debate over the phrase "Happy Holidays." Some Christians charge that "Happy Holidays" is part of a conspiracy by non-Christians to subvert Christmas or torment Christians. And, of course, they are slightly right but mostly completely fucking ridiculously wrong. Yes, a few non-Christians do want to subvert Christmas, or at least subdue it. Can you really blame them? You can't turn on the radio after Halloween without hearing Mariah Carey butcher Christmas songs. As a culture we now literally celebrate trampling other human beings for door busters on Black Friday. Banks hand out elf hats. Walmart sells sexy holiday underwear. You get filled with Quixotic rage staring at your neighbors giant inflatable Yukon Cornelius. The Childrens Television Workshop clearly spends more time developing must-have Christmas toys than they do educating children. Realistically speaking, however, it isn't an Anti-Christian conspiracy driving the use of the Happy Holidays. It's retail establishments being overly cautious and marketing driven in order to not get insecure, recent converts to Atheism from the local liberal arts school's sociology department picketing them during the busy season. Its not about suppressing Christianity, its about money.

And so, yes, the use of the term Happy Holidays is a form of political correctness. Its also honesty. The truth is that the greeters at Target are not wishing you a merry celebration of Christ's birth, whether or not they invoke the word Christmas. They are telling you to enjoy the clusterfuck being wrought in the name of December merchandising, because our culture apparently wants it to be a public spectacle.

There is nothing Christian about giant, inflatable Grinch snow globes or duck dolls that quack jingle bells at you. There's nothing Christian about forgoing the dinner in which you traditionally thank God for not letting you starve to wait in line to buy that shitty $300 laptop Best Buy offers. There's nothing Christian about spending money on stupid, mass-produced, impersonal bullshit when there are people in this world - fuck, people probably within a mile of you right now - who can't afford food, medicine or shelter. Really, if you object to being wished Happy Holidays because it offends your Christian identity, you should thank your God that they don't start advertising that they crucify you with savings at Easter and offer early morning Breakfast at Epiphany sales, further cheapening your belief structure, because, Buddy, it all stops being even remotely sacred the moment you allow it to mingle with consumerism.