Seduction (NSFW)

Ah, Valentines Day!  That most dramatic of days when the emotionally insecure either throw meaningless tokens of affection at their romantic partner in an act our modern parlance calls "pitching woo" or blubber about their lack of a woo pitching target.

As you no doubt know or at least moderately suspected, before getting married, I was widely regarded in some circles as one of the great gentleman masters of seduction.

Several months ago, a certain women's magazine that tends to dabble in bad romantic advice asked me to write an article for other men regarding the act of seduction.

Initially, I declined.  After all, I am out of the seduction business and a true master of woo does not simply pass on his techniques in widely circulated publications, lest he ruin manhood for all other manly men.

But then, I thought about... the ladies.

Hello,... ladies.   You probably cannot see it,... ladies, unless you have installed a hidden camera in my bedroom to catch glimpses of my urethra, but when I said "...ladies" (and I always say, ladies out loud when I type), I paused, cocked my head just slightly, and raised one of my eyebrows... seductively.   And you, no doubt, are in the early stages of being in heat.

You're welcome, gents of ...ladies who read this.

As a gentleman master of the act that a Tijuana Bible I found stuffed in a mattress in the basement of a creepy abandoned building in Auburn referred to as "El Seducto", I have learned that the first thing I always must do is think about... the ladies.

(Seriously, gents, you now owe me like two dozen hi-fives here because her buttocks are probably inflamed like a mandrill's face with passion after just those four paragraphs.)

So, ...ladies, if you wish to leave your gentleman lover some pointers about reducing you to some kind of quivering wad of desire that is simultaneously arousing and repugnant, read on.  But be warned that this advice is not in any way safe for work, not only because it is filthy, but also because YOU MAY VERY WELL LOOSE ALL SELF CONTROL AND START LIKE TOTALLY MAKING OUT WITH THE NEAREST TALL OBJECT LIKE A MOP OR ARTIFICIAL PLANT!!!  In fact, it was deemed so unsafe for work that the publication attempted to have it suppressed.


TWENTY TIPS FOR IDEAL SEDUCTION WHICH ARE GUARANTEED TO LEAD TO SOME FORM OF INTERCOURSE*

1.  Leave clusters of your unwashed pubic hair between the pages of her books.  Every single woman that has ever been or ever will be alive loves male pubic hair - especially the scraggly ones on the testicles that stick up like Larry Fine's coiffure.   The sight of your strange, jaggedly angular ball bush peeking from her copy of "Sisterhood of Sappho" is sure to get her wanting wanton slathered in your greasy duck sauce.

2.  As demonstrated in that last tip, find your own word to euphemistically use to refer to her genitals.  Or just flat out refer to them as genitals.  For example, the phrase "I want to make your genitals foam with scrubbing lust bubbles" can could be construed as downright dashing under some circumstances.  Meanwhile, just call your penis your ding dong.  Ding-dong has been scientifically proven to be the most erotic word for penis is English and Esperanto.

3.   Send pictures of her cat's anus to her cell phone and tell her it's yours.

4.  Show her how you like to masturbate.  I'm not referring to the actual stroke technique you use, mind you.  I'm talking about the shameful, depraved, sad-sack guy shit that you do while masturbating, like making laser noises, talking dirty and aggressively to pictures, and depositing your load in yesterdays socks.

5.  Keep an entire dessert cart next to the bed.  Women like options and won't find the fact that you actually own a fucking dessert cart in the first place at all disconcerting.

6.  Role playing can add some sizzle to ant sexual encounter.   A few of my personal favorite scenarios ars "Raffi Backstage", "Feeding Time At the Vulture Orphanage" and "I Had Too Much Pasta, Baby!"

7.  Show her that you are confident in your own masculinity, but also willing to get a little freaky by trying on some of her sexier undergarments.   Yeah.  She'll definitely appreciate that, especially the next time she tries to wear them and discovers that they are all stretched out and covered in your hair.

8.  Take a bath in front of her.  Make eye contact with her the entire time, especially when you wince while washing your swampy asshole.

9.  Save the condom from the first time you consummated your love in a champagne glass filled with vinegar and keep it next to your bed.   It's little, sentimental things like that keep them coming back for more.

10.   Send her text messages throughout the day reminding her that you really think that it's about time you two try anal.  Those in the know call that sexting. 

11.  Bring a sense of adventure to your sex life by bringing your sex life out of the bed room and into the great outdoors!  Places where geese are abundant, feral dogs rummage through your pants to find those small slivers of uneaten jerky you keep in your pockets and the air smells strongly of horse shit and burning tires are sure to set her genitals ablaze with hot, burning pre-sex urine. 

12.  Write a rap about your lover's body.    Work the words Carolina, heinous and mirthing mavity into every other line, then try to get Ja Rule to do a verse.  I'm sure his schedules open.

13.  Watch pornography together.   See what interests her.  When that ultimately fails, masturbate alone and sob.

14.  Be open and honest with your feelings, especially when you feel like she doesn't have sex with you often enough.  She'll find your childish lack of empathy towards her own needs refreshing and will definitely tell you exactly what you can do with your needy peen.

15.  Doubtless, every woman fantasizes about having sex with a giant, anthropomorphic penis!   With that in mind, construct a giant penis costume out of scraps of flesh-colored nylon and cotton batting, and then thrash about in it on your bed like an epileptic worm.

16.   Some foods are natural aphrodisiacs.   A floppy six inch lettuce, bologna and cheese sandwich from Subway, for example, will no doubt conjure thoughts of your droopy penis in her subconscious, making her moderately hungry for mediocre, unsatisfying sex.  Or, if you want to spice things up but also show that you are passionate about animal rights (and animal rites, har har), slice open the casing for a soy chorizo and dump it's oily, musky contents out onto your chest and plead for her to "feed your mutual needs". 

17.  All women want their lover to be a true gentleman!  With that in mind, start dressing in white suits with powder blue ascots, fanning yourself with a horse racing brochure and refer to her erogenous zones in solely clinical terms.   No woman can resist being told that the mere thought of her pubis is giving you the vapors.

18.  Arts and crafts time may not sound like a great gateway to debauched sexy times, but that's because you're stupid, Stupid.  Trust me, it can be very sexy.  Smear glitter glue on your happy trail, leading down to an emerald banana hammock you fashioned out of pipe cleaner.   Boom.  Yeah.  I just blew your mind.  Now get ready to craft some sex.

19.  They say that the brain is the woman's biggest erogenous zone.   While that may be true, your biggest erogenous zone is your penis.   Remind her of that by placing subtle reminders that you have a penis on your clothing.   Just to clarify, though, do not place things that remind her of the time you actually had a penis that was on your clothing, as that was weird and uncomfortable for both of you.  When she sees your reminder and recalls that, yes, beneath your man jeggings and Pat Buchanan man-thong, you do, in fact, have a penis, she will immediately think about your penis and all things she associates with it.   Hopefully, one of those things might be limp, sauteed mushrooms.

20.   If all else fails and you get desperate, remember that women are human beings, even if you barely are, and that if they actual find you sexually attractive, you probably shouldn't listen to anyone's ideas about seduction besides hers.   Above all else, do not ask your parents for advice.

*Sexual intercourse is not the only guaranteed form of intercourse.  Intercourse in this instance could be defined as anything from a look of mild revulsion to holding her hair while she projectile vomits the surprisingly inexpensive and indigestible meal you bought her at your nearest Steakhouse Steakhouse Restaurant.