"Uuuuuuuuuuughh...."
"Gaaaaaaaaaaawd."
Quit your belly aching, Nancy. Yes, you are cranky. You had to wake up, and some long dead dick decided to pull a long dead dick move and set your clock ahead an hour. You and everyone else. And that is fucking awesome.
Daylight Savings Sunday and The Monday After Spring Forward are Hateful Man holidays. Everyone is miserable and irritated, and that is fucking great. Shit, if you could drink a .40 at work, this could be the most entertaining day of your life - even more entertaining than that otherwise ordinary day when they actually did let you pound a .40 at work. Ah, student teaching!
Obviously, unless you you are a tenured college professor or lion tamer, drinking malt liquor at work is not an option. So how does one actually celebrate Spring Forward as a Hateful Man?
Here are seven great ideas for this sacred holiday:
1. Be Prepared, Be Happy - the most irritating thing that you can possibly do to the rest of the world today is to be absolutely chipper. As such, you need to have been preparing for this day for at least a week. Start waking up an hour early the saturday before DST. Exercise for an hour before work in lieu of coffee so that you are pumped up on endorphins, not caffeine. Smile. Tell people to cheer up. Shadow box. Do whatever it takes to convey that you are both happy and an absolute alpha motherfucker
2. Take Your Unwholesome, Poorly Behaved Child to Work - its possible, though unlikely due to the inherent dickishness of daylight savings time, that your child may be on spring break this week. If so, dress them up like Little Lord Fontleroy, give them a humungous lollipop and stick them in the break room or next to the fax/copier and tell them to cry about a dead, imaginary puppy. On a normal day, no one wants to deal with that kind of awkward. Now imagine it with an hour less sleep.
3. It's lent, bitches. Inevitably, your co-workers are probably going to be freebasing their double-doubles and doing lines of the blackest Sumatran off their keyboards. What better time to start boasting about how you've given up caffeine for Jesus and guilt tripping them for being a bunch of heretical pussies. Am I suggesting that you should actually quit coffee for lent in preparation? No. But try to quit drinking caffeine at work. I did. It was easy, and if you can't do so, you're a fucking mollycoddled, heathen pantywaist.
4. Dazzle them! Unfortunately, the National Flash-Bang Association does not have the clout that the NRA does, so you can't fling stun grenades with impunity yet. Recently, however, my state joined the ranks of many other shit ass hillbilly states and legalized fireworks sales. While I'm not looking forward to the annual Independence Day drunken jackass parade/unpreventable firestorm, I definitely see an upside to this newly earned freedom. There is now nothing stopping me from procuring strings of firecrackers to fling at my drowsy, irritable employees on spring forward as they slowly lurch their way across the parking lot or emerge from the bathroom.
5. Unexploited Ordinance Check your local charter's noise regulations, and then start using a leaf blower on Sunday morning at the earliest possible time. It's like getting an extra hour of dickishness in because your neighbors won't wake up early.
6. Be Preparedness It's a scientifically proven fact that Day Light Savings Sunday is the single best time of year to test your smoke detectors to see if they work, replace the batteries, and then test them again with the new batteries just to be on the extra safe side. Do it early, do it often and then do it a couple more times throughout the day. If your housemates complain, accuse them of being unsafe commies, blow the shrillest whistle you can find and yell "Be preparedness!!" at them.
7. Santa Lucia's Revenge For some reason, despite not having even a single drop of Nordic blood in veins, my family has always celebrated Santa Lucia Day, complete with my mother and/or sister wearing a wreath with fake candles on their head and bringing everyone Santa Lucia bread in bed. On Spring Forward Sunday, have your mother come in to your dwelling dressed in a white, flowing gown with a flaming garland around her brow, then have her kick in every door while blaring an air horn. Your housemates will literally shit themselves in terror.
Full disclosure: I've been working on this post since 2010. I always start it up a day before DST and never finish. I figured it best to just put it out there, even if its not my best work.
