Hello World,

A lot of people have been writing me, man, asking 'Hey Bad Impression of Bob Dylan, what's up with the Christmas album the guy you are impersonating released a couple of years ago, man.'

I didn't answer then.  Bad Impression of Bob Dylan's got better things to do than be some kind of oracle during the holidays, man. But now I got free time, man.

Let me tell you something about Christmas, man. Christmas used to be about two things, man; Jesus and Santa. Both are imaginary. I'm a poor impression of Bob Dylan, man. I'm real. Christmas in the Heart, man. I gave the world something real. I gave the world Bob Dylan for Christmas, man.

Twenty years from now, ain't nobody gonna remember Jesus or Santa, man. They ain't gonna put little baby Jesus in the manger. They're not gonna be leaving cookies and milk by the mantle for jolly old Saint Nick. That's all irrelevant now, man, Because Bob Dylan changed the game, man.

Twenty years from now, the kids are gonna stay up all night, sittin' in the driveway on December 18th, waiting for ol' Bobo Claus to pull up in his Cadillac car, man. Why December 18th? Because there ain't no way Bob Dylan is actually gonna show up Christmas for a bunch of snotnose puke kids, man. Bob Dylan's got things to do on Christmas, man, like not calling Jake and drinkin' cognac by the fire, man. So Bobo Claus shows up, and the kids, they're gonna give me presents to sing them a song or two off Christmas in the Heart.

I ain't gonna sing to them, of course. This poor impression of Bob Dylan ain't a whore, man. Hell, I honestly hope I'm dead by then because I hate children, man. I hate my own and I hate the children of the world.

God I hate my own kids, man. They're so awful, man. Like, man, one year Jake gave me a copy of "Bringing Down the Horse" for Christmas. I was like, "It's Christ's MASS, Man, Not 'Christ!, ass."

But in all seriousness folks, Christmas in the Heart, man. Great album, man. Bob Dylan spent, like, man, I don't know, two hours of Bob Dylan's time compiling the Christmas songs that don't make Bob Dylan want to charge into an orphanage and tell those kids they're lucky because they ain't got nobody ridin' their coat tails or tellin' them that their appearance in the We Are the World group shot makes them wet the bed, Man. Planet Earth is lucky to have Bob Dylan, Man.

The night I recorded it, I had Jewell and Ray Sawyer over for dinner, man. As a parlor game while my staff prepared whatever slop they served us, we dug up Janis Joplin. It was wrong and I know it man, but that's why I recorded the album, man. To set the world right, man.  To set an example for mankind.  To make the seventeen minutes you spend in Starbucks that much more banal.

Now, you ain't got to tell me how much you love it.   I know you don't.  I don't love Jake, neither, man, but sometimes, I just gotta spend time with him around this time of year.  And that's what Christmas in the Heart is all about, man.  Spending time with the things you ain't proud to have in your life.

Merry merriment, humanity.  I'm gonna go perform at a benefit for slapping and corporal punishment.

-Poor impression of Bob Dylan