A Snappy Proposal

Dear Governor Mardens,

Now that our nice, quiet state has legalized the sale of fireworks, and our economy has been fixed because this, of course, created a hundred and fifty or so new, temporary jobs* and made some out of state companies a lot of money, I think it’s time to move into phase two. Maine, as you know, is open for business.

Are you familiar with Darra Adem Khel, Pakistan? Darra is a charming little town, just South of Khyber Pass and is way more open for business than we are. Like Maine, Darra is a popular destination for a certain breed of tourist looking for an exciting, quirky, out of the way place. Also, like Maine of late, a visitor strolling down Darra’s dusty streets will be greeted by a constant, jolly pop of small explosions. Darra, you see, is a legendary gun market where craftsmen can build perfect, hand-made replicas of any fire arm presented to them. Instead of fire crackers, diluted cherry bombs and tanks, residents and consumers in Darra are firing off AK-47s, Elephant Guns and just about any other fire arm you can imagine.

 Of course, unlike Maine’s fireworks stands, the goods are locally produced. There’s actually an industry behind them. Also, unlike Maine’s fireworks stands, that money stays in Darra instead of going out of state or out of the country.

Let’s do this. Darra’s a third world shithole. While the nights in Portland lately sound like Tijuana, what with the constant rattle of fireworks and drunken wooing, we’re still squarely in the first world. There’s no reason we can’t.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. The legality of turning Maine into a gigantic, third world knock off gun market is questionable at best. There are copyrights and treaties to consider, local gun ordinances in place, not to mention the feelings of the Liberals. Oh the Liberals will hate this plan. They’ll be fuming in their teepees, pounding bongos and waving rain sticks around, trying to find a way to torpedo this industrial revolution on the grounds that guns are evil.

Let’s start with how to skirt copyright issues. We won’t be making American guns. We’ll leave that to local companies like Bushmaster and Remington. Instead, we will be making Chinese QBZ-95s, Russian AK-Ms and other guns from potential enemies into All-American guns. Doesn’t that sound snappy?

Local fire arms ordinances will be a non-issue. Like local fireworks bans, they will be completely ineffective. The police will simply not be able to enforce the bans due to the sheer amount of complaints they will be receiving.

 As for the Liberals, it’s not like they actually vote.

Huggles!

-Matt Cargile, independent voter.

*For fuck's sake, they better be temporary.