CHAPTER 7: THE ABRAHAM LINCOLN PRINCIPLE

CHAPTER 7: THE ABRAHAM LINCOLN PRINCIPLE

"Why did you open Chapter 6 with a quote from Megan Fox" -My Fiance, Katie.

What follows is an exercise in hatefulness.

Picture, if you will, Abraham Lincoln.

Are you picturing him? If you aren't, you seriously need to stop what you are doing, clear your thoughts, and envision him in your mind.

Is he there?

Is he?

Look, if you aren't going to take this exercise seriously, you can read other websites.

Okay. At this point, I am going to assume that you have a clear picture of Abraham Lincoln in your mind.

If you are a man, do you have an erection? If you are a woman, do you have the tingle pants?

The correct answer is no, you don't. If you followed my instructions exactly as I wrote them, you have the image of Abraham Lincoln staring at you and it has killed your boner and/or staunched the flow of tingles to your pants.

Okay. Now ask yourself this question: Why did envisioning Abraham Lincoln make your pants fit better?

Was it because you have a profound respect for the man and all he accomplished? Was it because he is an authority figure and you are not comfortable having him see you sexually aroused? Was it because his wisdom rings out to you through the ages?

These may seem like legitimate explanations for your current lack of sexual arousal. If you are agreeing with these answers, however, you are not being completely honest with yourself.

To be truly hateful, you must be able to state the exact reason that envisioning Abraham Lincoln removes the yowsers from your trousers. It requires you to look for the most primal reason. It requires you to be able to look at one of your co-workers and say, seemingly out of the blue, "When I think about Abraham Lincoln, I loose every last trace of sexual arousal because Abraham Lincoln was an ugly, ugly man."

Admit it. He was an ugly man.

It's okay. Saying that does not diminish his legacy. Motherfucker could split rails like Fist of the North Star and orate like Jesus. He freed slaves. He enjoyed legitimate theater and could probably palm a basketball. Oh, and he's fucking related to Tom Hanks. All of these things that do not pertain to his looks are awesome.

On the other hand, his beard was inexcusable and all this talk of arousal probably made you think about Abraham Lincoln's dong.

In your face.