CHAPTER 18: ON OWNING A CHIMP

CHAPTER 18: ON OWNING A CHIMP

(Written on February 18th, 2009)

Considering the three recent incidents in which people have been severely mauled by pet chimpanzees, the staff at the Hateful Man's Handybook feel that the following essay is absolutely necessary for the survival of all mankind.

And yes, there have been three recent incidents, and no, I said mauled, not muled. There is nothing wrong at all with people being muled across international borders, hidden inside a chimpanzee's colon.

Owning a chimpanzee may seem awesome. All the best celebrities have them.

They're like filthy little men that you can dress up like a Chucky Doll. Better yet, you can train them to dress themselves up like a Chucky doll so that there's no chance that you'll have to touch the Chimp's gooch. Of course, if touching chimp gooch is your thing, I recommend you read Chapter 87: "So I'm Considering A Truly Alternate Lifestyle That Will Put You Pedestrian Trannies to Shame". What you may fail to realize that is that you may not get a smart monkey who likes to wear overalls. Instead, you may get saddled with a slow-witted chimp dullard who would rather masturbate and chew on his feet. Now, raising a slow-witted jack off chimp is still awesome, but it's a different kind of awesome, more akin to rescuing a greyhound from the local racetrack. Sure, you'll still be fond of the animal, but deep down, you'll know its damaged goods.

One cannot understate how amazingly entertaining driving cross-country with a chimp looks. Looks is the operative term there. What most people fail to realize about "Any Which Way But Loose" and "BJ and the Bear" is that those chimps were chimp actors. In fact, closer inspection reveals that Clive was actually an orangutan and The Bear was a racist. As a responsible human being, I also feel the need to point out that neither could actually drive. Beyond all that though, have you ever actually driven cross-country with another person? Do you know how bad the car starts to smell? Okay, now replace "other person" with filthy, lice infested, poo-fllinging primate. Yeah, suddenly that awesome three week road trip with your little homey Mr. Goop-Goop doesn't look so appealing now, does it?

It is a common misconception that all chimps love to roller-skate. DO NOT BELIEVE THE HYPE. Seriously, don't believe the hype, people. Chimps fucking hate being put on roller skates just as much as you hated being put on roller skates the first time your lame parents took you to a birthday for one of your not-yet-aware-of-it preschool classmates (see Chapter 74:The Eighteen Things I Claim Are Sure Fire Signs That Your Child Will Grow Up To Be a Stripper or He-Whore) . For the love of god, my friend, do not corner a chimp with a pair of roller skates. The moment his or her mind realizes that those are not big bananas with apples on the bottom, you are going to be praying for death. Poo will be flung. Limbs will be chewed. Faces will be torn off and shat upon. Do you really want that for yourself, all just to see your adorable little friend on wheels? If so, just trick that damn primate into wearing heelies. Chimps do love heelies. They think heelies are clever inventions and clap when they see them in use, and that is fucking great.

A chimpanzee is a sure-fire way to pick up drunk women. As a man who has lived in a co-ed dorm for one year, I am a qualified expert on this shit. Let's face it, if you are reading this, you are, by definition, a hateful man. Hateful men need all the help they get, because their gut instinct in seeing a girl who wants to hook up with them is to point out every single imperfection they see on this person, and chances are if she is attracted to a hateful man, her breath smells like Melon Boons Farm, onion rings and bile. In order to bypass the instant "You're an asshole" that is guaranteed to come out of her mouth, regardless of how much hateful instinct you have suppressed, you pretty much have to have a chimpanzee with you. In fact, he better be wearing an "I'm with asshole" shirt and one of those helicopter hats. Do not let him wear a smoking jacket and fez, however, otherwise she'll probably be reading Chapter 87 in the morning instead of screaming at you for asking her to pay for the Denny's bill because you forgot your wallet.

Of course, now we come to a very serious part of this essay. There's something that usually does not get mentioned when chimp attacks are reported on the news because it is truly horrible -and I am not making this up - chimps tend to eat people's faces off when they feel threatened. Seriously. They will tear your your face off, put it in their mouth and eat it. They also have a tendency to tear people's limbs off and eat the hands and feet. Why do they do this? Because its seriously fucked up. It's something so fucked up that even the our primal ancestors couldn't laugh about it happening... to themselves. I mean, its all contextual. If a lonely old woman's pet chimp goes berserk and eats her face, that is appalling. But let's face it, if some nascar fan in Florida gets his face eaten because he did something to offend a chimp, I feel sorry for his kids, but I'm laughing at him.

So, in conclusion, the Hateful Man's Handybook does not advocate keeping chimps in your house. While there are plenty of hateful perks to owning a chimp, we can't get behind the close quarters face eating thing. As hateful as it may be to have a poo-flinging buddy who may one day wig out and eat your idiot neighbor, its better to laugh at the victims from afar and blame the owners. Saying "Fucking shit. Really, who keeps a fucking chimp as a pet?" while standing by the water cooler is much more fun than being held liable for someone's severed face.