"Wonder Woman is lame. She flies around in an invisible jet, but she's not invisible. I don't get it." -Megan Fox
By now, you should have read chapters 4 and 5, which detail the inevitable, squishy downfall of the human race and subsequent downfall of the post-human race. If you haven't read these chapters and/or don't especially feel like reading them, I will summarize them for you in one simple statement;
"Fuck."
The situation is hopeless. This is not a work of fiction. This is scientific fact - albeit heavily padded scientific fact that I cobbled together from wikipedia and drunken conversations with much smarter people. Remember that movie about global warming that came out two years ago? Not the one that was narrated by Al Gore, but that remarkably similar one narrated by Leonardo DiCaprio that you probably saw a preview for before the last Michael Moore movie? Oh, Dicaprio... What an asshole. Seriously. He wasn't fooling anyone.
I am not at all like Leo.
Not at all.
Except that I am basically doing the exact same thing he was, and am regurgitating things that other, much smarter people told me.
So, you are probably wondering what we are supposed to do now? I mean, I'm basically saying that we're just treading water for the next couple decades, until some kind of technological cataclysm causes instant, exponential advancement, immediately followed by our complete regression into little more than a bunch of post-human chronic masturbators.
Once you've abandoned all hope, you need to find a way to amuse yourself. Suicide is no longer an option, as it has seriously lost its appeal since being co-opted by the Hot Topic crowd.
Brain damage might make the future more palatable, and it would give you an excuse to make other people touch your feces. On the other hand, you'd probably be made to wear snow pants again at some point.
Reasonable religions will not placate your feelings of misanthropy. Fundamentalist religions certainly will allow you to be judgmental, but will probably make you feel bad for enjoying pornography. Anyone you meet who actually admits to being a Satanist invariably smells of cat pee.
Clearly, the only thing you can do is blame everyone else for our impending doom and spend the rest of your life embracing yourself as a truly horrible human being.
In the subsequent chapters of this text, my colleagues and I will provide you with essays espousing the benefits of a hateful existence, as well as exercises and activities that will help to foster the hatefulness that lurks deep inside you (trust me, it's not that deep). You will learn ways to humiliate your children, ruin terrific music for your friends, wage one-sided wars against the twats that surround you in your workspace and make complete strangers so uncomfortable that they will wish that they had never encountered you.
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