Dear Sting,
It has come to my attention that you play a lute. What the fuck, Sting? Are you fucking trying to ruin manhood for men? Seriously. Are you? Because it looks to me like you are.
Holy fucking fuck. You've grown a beard. You glib, Limey son of a bitch. Stop. Just fucking stop. I haven't shaved in a month and nine days now because I am a man and I love that as a man, I can grow a sick, fucking brutal looking beard. Seriously, Its like the unibomber and Captain Nemo smoked meth in an unlit basement for six months while pregnant with each other's bearded children and my face is the burly afterbirth. And here you go, sullying beards with your namby-pamby namby-pambiness. So now, instead of looking like the swarthy embryotic sack nestled on Nemo's hairy uterus, my face looks like a douche bag.
Start respecting your gonads, you baked beans for breakfast enjoying, royalty revering, lute playing, Adventures of Baron Munchausen ruining asshole.
Fuck you.
-Matt C.
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