The Riddle of Steel

Hello, Fellow Miserable Assholes,

First of all, you may have been wondering where the Hateful Man has been for the last 3 months. I wish I could say something awesome; like that I was going door-to-door, clotheslining anyone who actually purchased “Confessions of a Shopaholic” or waging a letter-writing campaign to inform people that Susan Boyle is really just Morrissey. Sadly, neither one is actually the case.

In truth, the Hateful Man has a job – a job that requires him to work a lot between late October and early January. Before you even ask, no, I am not a mall Santa Claus. I consider mall Santi to be a form of plushy-ism and I am not okay with that. No, I just manage a shipping department somewhere. It’s an awesome job, one I love, but it keeps me very busy (occasionally to the tune of 60 hours a week) which prevents me from spewing half-crazed vitriol about how much I hate stupid people for months on end.

So, the big news in the world of Hatefulness is that I have finally found a religion that I can actually endorse as a Hateful Man.

It was not easy finding such a religion. I had to consider the pros and cons of a wide variety of churches, cults, covens, sects, branches, clutches, hives and small cities in Texas. Religions after all are, for the most part, fundamentally hateful to begin with. The problem is that they are often the wrong kind of hateful.

As a Hateful Man, I fully and freely endorse Crom. Yes, Crom, the patron deity of Conan the Barbarian.

Why Crom? Quite simply, he does not give a fuck. Seriously. Crom does not care. He gave you the courage and strength to persevere at birth, and if you do not use it to your fullest extent, that’s your problem, not his.

What does Crom actually expect from you? Well, mainly, he doesn’t want you to bother him. If you plea to Crom for help, you will be lucky if he merely chooses not to listen. If he has to get off his mountain to help you, you better be fighting the entire Mongol horde, armed only with a gnarled tree root that you had to rip out of the ground, otherwise he’ll take it out of your hide.

He’s not big on the whole temple/singing of praises/gathering thing, either. Think about it. If you constantly had to hear children and atonal parishioners droning off the lyrics to “(your name here) loves me” or “A Mighty Fortress is Our (your name here)”, you’d probably be pretty irritable.

Crom will not redeem your sins. For the love of being a total dick to people, do not ask Crom to forgive you. He won’t. It’s annoying and disrespectful. You might as well ask him for a piece of gum and to validate your parking pass while you’re at it, because he won’t do any of those things. What you do with your life is your business, and if you do something to fuck up your chances of getting into Valhalla, Crom is not going to help you.

Speaking of Valhalla, you may be wondering what you can do to garner Crom’s favor, and what benefits come with this? Well, as stated earlier, the big thing is that you do not bother him. If you are to earn Crom’s favor, you need to bring attention to yourself through hard work, struggle, courage, cleverness and sheer brutality. Do not sit around waiting for other people to solve your problems – solve them yourself.

The second thing you need to do is figure out the Riddle of Steel. What is the Riddle of Steel? Basically, it’s the question of whether you should have more faith in the weapon in your hand or the hand holding the weapon. When you die, Crom will ask you for your own interpretation of the answer. Answer wrong and Crom will mock you and kick you off his mountain. Answer correctly, and you will earn Crom’s grudging respect and he’ll get you into Valhalla. Seeing as how Crom apparently is some kind of proto-Celtic deity, not an Aesir or Vanir, this is no small favor. Motherfucka gots to pull some strings, homey. That hook-up takes some fuckin’ work.

Does Crom have any holidays? Again, he does not want to be bothered, so no. He’s too brutal for greeting cards and warm feelings and shit. In fact, the fact that you even have feelings really makes Crom not want to be associated with you. But really, when was the last time you actually enjoyed a holiday? I suppose, since Crom is proto-Celtic, you could toast him on St. Patrick’s Day. But if you’re already drunk enough that you’re making toasts to deities, you’re probably just going to make an ass of yourself and will wind up getting on Crom’s nerves. Plus, if you or anyone around you yells “woo!” while toasting him, you’re automatically on his Valhalla Black List. Crom hates it when people yell “woo!”

Basically, Crom is a Hateful Man, and he doesn’t expect you to put any effort into actually worshipping him. It’s the perfect religion for people who do not really want a religion, don’t like other people, and don’t want to sing, but still want an afterlife. Choosing Crom just makes sense.