Sexy Teen Vampires

What follows is an excerpt from the latest book in my sexy teenage vampire series, "The Dark Matter Saga: Book Nineteen – The Movement". I have no delusions of grandeur in regards to the quality of my writing. I just know that it will pretty much make me a billionaire. Because, holy shit, America fucking loves shitty, sexy teen vampire bullshit.

Enjoy!

CHAPTER 7:

Rumor's heart was pounding. Her thighs were shaking. Her glasses were fogging up. This was easily the grossest outhouse in all of Turner Falls. The wretched smell of three years of backed up sewage wafted up from the dank hole and coated her nostrils like a thick, greasy paste.

It reminded her of Durmitt... for some reason. Oh God, where was Durmitt? Handsome, sexy, perpetually sixteen as played by a twenty eight year old with a lifetime membership to a hair removal... store.

Her heart began to beat faster. She grew flushed. Then she smelled the putrid stench of stale human waste again and remembered that she had to offload a two-days camping topped off by a night of binge drinking deuce.

"Oh Jesus" she muttered as she sat down on the cold, damp, poorly attached plastic toilet seat that covered the hole.

Suddenly she smelled that lovely, familiar lilac and fresh baked cinnamon roll smell she now knew was the smell of sexy teen vampires. The rank odor of archaic shit faded away and she was filled with loving warmth.

"Oh Durmitt, I knew you'd come to comfort me!"

"Oh. Yeah. Sure. I'm here to... comfort you... and not watch you poop."

"I can't see you Durmitt. Are you invisible?"

"No. I'm just watching you through a hole my creepy uncle drilled in the side. You just get comfortable and start pooping."

"Oh, well, I thought you might be able to turn invisible. You know, because you smell like lilacs and cinnamon rolls, have the power to fly, can throw a car, have laser eyes, are bullet proof, can breathe underwater, read every language known to man and can actually drink a person's blood without breaking the skin."

"Less talky more squatty, Babe."

"Durmitt, when will you make me a vampire? I really want to be with you forever."

"Not now, Sugartits, Now is for pooping. So poop."

"Durmitt, have you ever loved someone as much as you love me?"

"No."

For a long moment, both Durmitt and Rumor were silent. Then the stillness of the night was broken by a loud, splattery fart followed by a splash.

"Oh God, Durmitt. I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"I love you Durmitt."

"Yeah, whatever. I think I'm going to go off and mope somewhere."

The cinnamon bun smell faded away, and once again Rumor was alone in the dark, smelly outhouse. It occurred to her that Durmitt had been depressed and strangely fixated on her bowels lately. Vampire's were so sensitive!

Durmitt had a craving for some chaw and an issue of “Sweaty Guzungas and Ass”.