CHAPTER 16: Awareness Marches

CHAPTER 16: Awareness Marches

This morning, I found myself trapped on the wrong side of Congress Street, unable to get off Munjoy Hill because of a Breast Cancer Awareness march. Well intentioned or not, this was incredibly obnoxious and self-serving.

(Much like me.)

As a Hateful Man, I feel it is my responsibility to ask the following hard-hitting question; why does breast cancer awareness need a march dedicated to it?

Are there people out there who actually support breast cancer itself whose minds need to be swayed by a massive, public nuisance? No. Breast cancer is universally regarded as horrible. There is no opposition to breast cancer awareness. When you say the words breast cancer, people immediately perk up at the word breast, then are immediately shot down by the word cancer. No one is sending money to support the spread of breast cancer. Osama Bin Laden, Glenn beck and Tom Cruise probably would all agree with you in describing breast cancer as shitty.

Did that march directly help ease the suffering of anyone afflicted with breast cancer? No. Did it actually help bring about advances in breast cancer treatment? No. Did it allow a bunch of busy people to pat each other on the back for being "involved" with something without having to dirty their hands by accomplishing something meaningful? Yeah, but that's about it.

In terms of getting the actual message across, it was only sort of effective. Sure, some people were wearing pink, but not everyone. Signs were printed up on sheets of 8.5x11 paper, in fonts so small that they couldn’t be read by anyone who wasn’t directly in front of them, then taped to poster boards. People were chatting on their cell phones while marching. The Hateful Wife and I were only able to figure out what they were marching for when we saw a sign with a big pink ribbon on it.

Here. I will be just as effective as that breast cancer march. Watch. Just watch.

FUCK BREAST CANCER! THAT SHIT IS HORRIBLE! WE SHOULD OBLITERATE IT!

Wow. I’m not going to lie, people. That. Was. Awesome. I feel really good about myself for doing something sort of public to raise awareness about the awfulness of something that is intrinsically awful.

And here's the rub, folks. Did that inconvenience anyone? No. Was my message clearly stated? Yes. Guess what? I win. Marchers lose.

Far more appropriate for breast cancer awareness would have been a rally or a concert. Maybe they could have set up a massive garage sale, the proceeds of which go to support breast cancer research. That way, when I think about breast cancer awareness, I don't immediately start grinding my teeth and muttering obscenities. I really don't want to be that guy.

Just to be clear, I am not knocking breast cancer awareness, nor am I knocking exercises of free speech that inconvenience motorists. However, I think that when you inconvenience a motorist, you probably should be doing so for reasons that are more combative than simply showing the world that you hate atrociousness. Critical Mass rides, for example, are excellent uses of inconvenience to get a point across. They piss people off for wasting gas when they could be riding bikes or utilizing mass transit - people who are not me.

That last bit is especially important.