Chapter 13: Planned Parenthood

CHAPTER 13: PLANNED PARENTHOOD

Male hateful men, at some point in your life, you will probably have to go to Planned Parenthood with that certain, special female hateful man. I can assure you, this is a truly awkward experience.

As a male, you are only sort of welcome there. There is nothing in the waiting room for you to read. Your very presence may make some of the other visitors there uncomfortable. If you don't look especially clean cut, they'll think you're probably a jerk pressuring your hateful lady for an abortion. If you look too clean cut, they'll suspect you of being a born-again suicide bomber.

Despite all your hatefulness, you're just trying to be a decent, supportive mate. What are you supposed to do in this situation?

Frankly, I don't know. To the best of my knowledge, there is no established protocol for male Planned Parenthood waiting room behavior. Maybe you are just supposed to sit there, uncomfortably pondering the end of your post-adolescent immaturity. Maybe you should just wait in the car. If you feel like testing the waters for the rest of us, here's a list of 25 fun activities for you to do while your significant female friend is being attended to. If any of them get you kicked out, please blame Glenn Beck.

1. Say "Hi" to every person who comes through the door.

2. Occasionally spray yourself with a thick cloud of Axe body spray.

3. Bring a bag of popped microwave pop corn, a box of candy, and a large fountain soda. Continue sipping on the soda, even after its down to just ice.

4. Don't bother getting dressed. Show up in your bathrobe and slippers. Read your paper and drink coffee. This is especially effective if it is 6 o'clock at night and you haven't shaved in 2 weeks. Alternately, you could wear a smoking jacket and fez.

5. Put on a shower cap and walk into the bathroom. Yell "Dammit!!" at the top of your lungs then calmly walk back into the waiting room. Fold the shower cap up neatly and place it in your pocket.

6. Wear as much "World's best dad" clothing and flair as you can. Sob quietly.

7. Put on one of those conical birthday party hats and leave a noisemaker dangling from your lips. Stare blankly up at the ceiling, shaking your head.

8. Run into the bathroom and change into a shitty Dracula costume as soon as your lady friend leaves the room.

9. After about five minutes alone, start applying lipstick. Look around the room. Mutter "oh shit...", then quickly wipe it off.

10. Offer everyone in the waiting room a Penrose Firecracker.

11. Crop dust the abortion protesters as you walk in.

12. Go into the bathroom and shave your beard into a mustache. Leave a mess of shaving cream and hair in the sink.

13. Play "Papa Don't Preach" with armpit farts.

14. Start drawing caricatures of other people in the waiting room. Make sure the words "Planned Parenthood" are clearly visible in every picture. Offer to sell the drawings to the subjects.

15. Look around the room furtively, then eat a packet of dry ramen noodles. Look at the person sitting closest to you and hiss "Don't tell people how we live!"

16. Approach the abortion protestors outside and ask the following question:

"Look, the moon and stars are not in the right position. The Master demands I either abort or sacrifice it. Which do you prefer?"

17. Organize a wholly misguided counter-demonstration to the abortion protesters. Hold up signs that say "Do it!", "kill babies, not boners" and "Chances are you'd just raise another freeloader."

18. If your significant other is there for a pregnancy test and the results are positive, try to pass out cigars to everyone in the room. If anyone accepts, tell them that they are monsters.

19. Bring a pair of hulk hands.

20. Three words: human beat box.

21. Wear a pair of tap shoes for no apparent reason.

22. Obsessively apply antibacterial lotion to your hands. Mutter things like "unclean" and "so much uterus". I actually recommend doing this everywhere.

23. Repeatedly ask the receptionist if she has those condoms from Juno that "make your junk smell like pie". Trust me, she hasn't heard that one a million times by now.

24. Remain uncomfortably quiet and still for the first twenty minutes, then stand up and say "I knew we shouldn't have gotten a Great Dane" and walk out to the car. Make sure to crop dust the protesters as you walk by them again.

25. Blurt out "More like 'Unplanned Parenthood'! Am I right, bro-ham? Am I right?!" at the next guy who enters. Try to get a hi-five.

On second thought, it's probably best that you just wait in the car.