Bob Dylan has not said any of the following things to the best of my knowledge.
1. "Go on an' tell. No one's gonna believe you, man."
2. "I'm Bob Dylan, man."
3. "I'm the Badger, man. I'll claw your innards out and eat your young."
4. "I'm Bob Dylan. I know what's good , man. And you suck."
5. "Jack White and I, we may not be friends, but we both have one thing in common; Our mutual hatred of the Wallflowers, man."
BEFORE I CONTINUE, ALLOW ME TO REITERATE THAT BOB DYLAN HAS NEVER SAID ANY OF THESE VILE, HATEFUL THINGS.
6. "Shut up man."
7. "You can't cage The Badger, man. He'll bite you."
8. "I'm the Badger, you're the Walrus, man. Goo goo guh-go fuck yourself, Paul."
9. "Slag off. I'm Bob Dylan, man!"
10. "Bob Dylan is a complicated man, and no one understands him but his women, man. And they're really only grasping at straws. That's why Jakob's music doesn't even compare, man."
AGAIN, NONE OF THESE STATEMENTS WERE EVER MADE BY BOB DYLAN.
11. "Look. Maybe I ruined Halloween for your kids and maybe I didn't. I'm Bob Dylan, man. My kids ruined Halloween for me."
12. "They say a lot of unbelievable crap about me, man. But I'll tell you something - I lay the tracks, they ride the train. And the ticket sure ain't free, man."
13. "I briefly considered adopting him. Then I realized no orphanage is going to take someone as lame as Jake, man."
14. "What are you talking about? My DNA pretty much constitutes child support, man."
15. "Fuck Iceland, man."
IN CASE YOU MISSED THE DISCLAIMER 5 STATEMENTS AGO, NONE OF THESE THINGS WERE ACTUALLY SAID BY BOB DYLAN.
16. "I'm your father, man. That doesn't mean I care."
17. "I'm not the tooth fairy. But I'm here to steel your teeth, man."
18. "I hate you."
19. "Seriously, man. Try to rat me out. I'm Bob Dylan. No one's gonna believe you, man."
20. "Don't make me cut you, man."
BOB DYLAN NEVER SAID ANY OF THIS. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE ANY OF THESE FAKE QUOTES TO HEART. BOB DYLAN PROBABLY IS A WONDERFUL, PLEASANT MAN WITH MILLIONS OF GOOD THINGS TO SAY.
21. "Screw Ringo, man. I'm Bob Dylan."
22. "It's Bob Dylan's now, man."
23. "Stop crying Jake. I'm commandeering this waffle, man."
24. "I'm Bob Dylan, Sean. I slapped you mother for being a strumpet, man."
25. "Bob Dylan ain't some kind of emotionless cyborg, man. I just don't care."
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE DO NOT ASSUME THAT THESE ARE THINGS THAT BOB DYLAN ACTUALLY SAID. HE DID NOT SAY ANY OF THESE THINGS. I'M JUST A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING WITH A BLOG.
26. "Who are you trying to fool, Bono. I'm Bob Dylan, man. I don't have a conscience."
27. "I stole Robert Johnson's soul before I was even born, man."
28. "I'm just saying John John should have worn a seat belt, man."
29. "Pfft. Clapton, man. Father of the year."
30. "Of course I'm cold-blooded, man. I'm Bob Dylan."
ONCE AGAIN, THE STATEMENTS IN THIS BLOG ENTRY WERE NEVER EXPRESSED BY BOB DYLAN.
31. "I seen 'em come and I seen 'em go, man. People die. I don't care, man."
32. "You're gonna rent me a car, man. You're gonna fill the trunk with snakes, man. I'm Bob Dylan. Now give me all the money in your wallet, man."
33. "We are the world, man. That was Bob Dylan's Jam. Those nobodies just rode my coat tails, man. That's why I sabotaged USA for Africa. I personally gave the money to warlords, man."
34. "I'm the cause of all human suffering. I can make it rain, man. I choose not to."
35. "Get a real job, man. Jake can't be paying you much, I cut him off."
SERIOUSLY. THESE THINGS WERE NOT STATED BY ANYONE BESIDES THE NASTY LITTLE MAN WHO WRITES THIS BLOG. IF YOU TAKE ANY OF THIS SERIOUSLY, YOU ARE AN IDIOT.
36. "I stopped by the studio during the recording of Thriller to plant some evidence, man."
37. "Yeah, I rigged the election. This country needed some character, man."
38. "Look. I'm not some kind of super villain, man. I just hate mankind, have a lot of money, and like to cause trouble."
39. "Keith and I took turns slapping Mick, man. Disco revival my ass."
40. "I used to laugh and sneer at my son when he was breast feeding, man. It was like, 'Keep suckling, piggy. Keep suckling.' Man..."
THESE ARE NOT REAL STATEMENTS BY BOB DYLAN. THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO BE CONSTRUED AS SUCH.
41. "Jimmy Carter knows why he ain't welcome on my property, man. Or maybe he doesn't. I don't care, man."
42. "It's like clubbing a seal, man. I should know."
43. "I took the boy to the Disney Land parking lot. Told 'im they wouldn't me in. Then we went to John Phillips house so I could belittle his daughters, man."
44. "Your placenta was runny, Jake. Now mow the damn lawn, man."
45. "I'm Bob Dylan, man. My crap has more talent than you."
BOB DYLAN NEVER SAID ANY OF THESE THINGS. THEY ARE MERELY THE INFANTILE RAMBLINGS OF A BORED RECORD STORE EMPLOYEE. THEY SHOULD NOT BE ATTRIBUTED TO ANYONE BUT ME.
46. "Yeah, so he says 'It's on the Godzilla soundtrack, Dad.' So I paused for a moment, took a deep breath. Then I said 'You finally made me proud, boy.' I could hear him choking up for a second, then I farted into the receiver. Best damn moment of my life, man."
47. "I called her petulant and repugnant in my eulogy song. They went with Elton John instead, man."
48. "Of course I'm despicable, man. I'm Bob Dylan. Now stop bitching and kill that fucking canary, man."
49. "Peter, Paul and Mummy, man. That's all I'm saying about those has-beens."
50. "I couldn't wait to bury his pets, man. He was that kind of kid."
FOR THE LAST TIME, NONE OF THESE THINGS WERE EVER ACTUALLY SAID BY BOB DYLAN. THESE ARE STATEMENTS I HAVE MADE WHILE DOING A BAD IMPRESSION OF A BOB DYLAN-LIKE FIGURE.
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