CHAPTER 867: Chain Restaurant Sexuality

I don't even know how to preface what follows. I simply woke up in the middle of the night on Monday, thinking about eating at certain moderately priced chains of microwave steakhouses and how they strike me as incredibly tacky, unsexy places to take a date, and a bunch of disturbing, jocko-homo-tinged corporate sexuality began flowing out of me.

Behold!

STEAKHOUSE STEAKHOUSE PRESENTS: HOW TO GET SEXED - A GUIDE TO PITCHING WOO AT THE SALAD BAR FOR MEN

Hello, loyal Steakhouse Steakhouse customer. We value your patronage.

At Steakhouse Steakhouse, we specialize in three things - steak, seafood, salad, and giving you the opportunity to potentially fornicate, all at a reasonable, slightly above fast food price point. That is why we, along with our co-sponsors Ovulite Weight Loss Formula for Pregnant Women and Zorba the Greek Sheepskin Condoms have compiled this helpful guide to charming the pants off of your date, starting with a relatively pleasant dinner at Steakhouse Steakhouse .

Doubtless, tonight is a special night. Maybe its alternative adult continuing education prom night. Maybe you found out that they hand out condoms in the guidance office. Maybe your girlfriend's annoying chihuahua with a mildly incredibly racist name died under mysterious circumstances involving pliers. Regardless, you've come to Steakhouse Steakhouse hoping to end the night by getting sexed, and as such, you have made an excellent choice.

ATTIRE
Getting sexed and tossing a salad have a lot in common, and the secret is under every runny nose at our world-famous Three Mile Salad Island. Of course, we're referring to dressing and not ham cubes. How you choose to dress yourself can go a long way to sealing the deal at the end of the night. Think about the message that you want to send to your lady friend with your clothes. Consider wearing a button down shirt and a tie. You can never overdress for Steakhouse Steakhouse. Make it a clean shirt, bolo tie and cowboy boots, then throw in a thick mustache and a cowboy hat and your date will know that you are hungry for more than just our mouth watering All-You Can Eat Steak Stampede.

THE WAITING ROOM
At Steakhouse Steakhouse, we know that you may have to wait an inexplicably long time to be seated, even though you can see that half of our dining room isn't even in use. That's why we give you those light up coasters which you can use in the bar. And speaking of the bar, when a member of our suspiciously pleasant wait staff asks you if you would like to order a beverage, he or she isn't JUST asking you if you would like to order a beverage. He or she is asking if you are planning on getting sexed tonight. The answer should always be yes, and the longer, stupider, and more culturally insensitive the name of the beverages you choose are, the more likely it is that your date will consider doing the sex with you.

For example, ordering a pair of colas for you and your date might get you the old "John, you're a really nice guy, but I find you sexually repellent because nothing about you is even remotely virile. In fact, your very being exudes impending death and the sounds you make every time you you breathe make me vomit a little. Here. I saved my vomit in this Pringles can, which i expect you to empty after you drop me off several blocks from my house so that walking through the night air can cleanse me of your stench before I get home."

However, if you order her our Hey Mon Jamaican Rum Fire Burn Ya Bloodclot Colada or our Provisional-Schmovisional Potato Famine Vodka Infused Gin-Blossom Having Ted Kennedy Approved Irish Car Bomb, there's a good chance your date she wont even bother with words. She'll just lunge at you and growl like a panther, which either means that she wants to sex it down with you, or she's some kind of lycanthropic panther and is going to devour your larynx. We sincerely hope its not the latter! Me-yow!

Assuming you and your date do not wish to imbibe in any of the nearly two hundred and sixty specialty beverages served in our bar while waiting to be seated, we recommend talking loudly on your blue tooth headset to anyone besides your date. This will show her that you know people who take priority over her, impress her with how important you seem and cause her to become flushed and dizzy with lust or carbon monoxide poisoning.

APPETIZERS
Do you know who forgoes appetizers? The guy who doesn't get sexed. So order at least one, if not two of our sexy, microwaved to order batter, fat and translucent meat concoctions, but choose carefully. Appetizers are like foreplay. They tell your date how you are going to proceed when its time to get sexed. We recommend a combination of our most expensive and our most decadent ones, like our Fried Lobster Fries and our Smoked Bacon Cheddar Onion Ring Sliders. You're sure to slide into home base with that combo. Shucks, if you throw in some of our Jumpin' Jack Flask Whiskey Pepper Poppers you might even slide into the dugout. By that we mean the butt.

THE MAIN COURSE
To really seal the deal, you pretty much have to buy her one of our Fin-Steak-Tional Surf 'N' Turf Favorites. You'll be amazed and possibly a little sickened as she becomes uncontrollably aroused like a mandrill in heat while supping on our award-winning Captain Horatio Steakhaus's Fresno Lobster Tank Fresh Imitation Imitation Crabmeat and Texas Toast Steak-Um Combo or our Veal-Hauled Sea Cow Fried Seafood and Veal Slider Platter. For a less disturbing, but equally sensual dining experience, you can show her you care about "the issues" and imperil her wetlands with our Deepwater Disaster N'Orleans Crawfish Gumbo served in one of our world-famous Steakbowls. An insignificant portion of the proceeds from every Steakbowl we sell goes to help support British Petroleum's off-shore drilling public relations campaign.

THE JUST DESERTS
Ladies, we know you're reading this and we know that you have appetites too... For cheesecake! Don't shamelessly give it up to the schlub who dragged you here unless he buys you one of our twelve delicious cheesecakes. They're sinfully moist because they're amorally high in saturated fat, corn syrup and cholesterol.

In closing, we at Steakhouse Steakhouse sincerely hope that you actually manage to make whoopie on top of your date before you begin to really digest your meal and become stricken with the inevitable, mysterious, socially crippling case of irritable bowel syndrome that has absolutely nothing to do with your mediocre dining experience at one of our 1,250 locations in the United States and Canada.