Pregnancy Course Notes

THE HATEFUL MAN'S GUIDE TO PREGNANCY
PART 1: MY NOTES FROM OUR SINGLE DAY INTENSIVE PREGNANCY COURSE

I've been a very busy beaver this year, Hatefulreenos. That's the term I use to describe you, my cherubic fans - Hatefulreenos.

Because I was asked to stop calling you "miserable, foppish twats".

And I resent that.

But anyways, Hatefulreenos, I'm a busy man. I manage the shipping department for the largest record store in New England. We're still cleaning up from a nigh-total renovation of the store, did an inventory last Wednesday, and its the week of Black Friday. As you can imagine, I don't have much time for things that don't involve working 50-77 hours a week, like winery tours, riverboat gambling, rock climbing, whore mongering, orphan hazing, or lamaze classes.

No, really, the hateful spawn of my fecund, musky loins is due to enter this world in January, and I wanted to take lamaze classes, because as much as I profess to be a grade-a douche bag, I'm a douche bag who deeply loves his Female Hateful Man and wants to be a useful participant in the spawning process. Because of my busy schedule, I had to opt for a single-day, intensive pregnancy class instead.

Have you been to a single-day, intensive pregnancy class recently? Holy shit, the days of the world weary gym teacher turned single-day, intensive pregnancy class instructors coming in, telling a few dead baby jokes to break the ice then flipping on the uterine equivalent of "Blood on the Highway" apparently are long gone, replaced by lilac-scented, feel-good empowerment. While the class was certainly more useful than what I envisioned, I had to restrain my hateful impulses all day.

What follows is a transcript of my actual notes from the class, chock full of hateful little gems. I would strongly recommend not using them to guide yourself through your or your hateful partner's pregnancy, as I don't think anyone who bothers to read this far into my blog should breed.

Enjoy!


I. Pregnancy "Journey"
A. But seriously, are people so fucking wienered-out and coddled that they need everything to be in empowerment terms? Its fucking pregnancy, not the Legend of Zelda. Did you get a bag of pretzels? Did you escape from Calypso? No? Then you didn't take a fucking journey. Fuck me.

B. Katie says "Yes".

II. Instructor's name is ________________.

III. LDRP facility - Labor Delivery Recovery Post-Partum: Nurse does everything, everything done in one room.

A. BIRTHPLACE: 90 - 300 births a month.

IV - OTHER PEOPLE
A. Lamest Baby Name: Arabella or... Beach Harley? Bea Charlie?
1. "Teen Mom" baby names should be considered a hate crime against subsequent generations.


V. PURPLE BOOK
A. Website listed on the second page. "Web it" next to the purple frog. Like ribbit, only, you know, only vaguely funny to grandmas who take the time to notice the lame attempt at a pun.
B. Important pages
1. Page 5 - common discomforts
2. Healthy food choices - calcium + protein. Supplements and leafy greens.
3. Pages 18-19 - "On the balls". Heh.
4. Page 42 - positions for pushing - "the bigger the cushion the harder the pushin'."
7. Page 7 - Anatomy
a. Rectum - prone to constipation. Eat dried fruit.
b. Bladder - "That's why mom is peeing a lot"
8. Page 50 - Medications
9. Page 112 - Recommended reading.
10. Page 26 + 27 - Siblings - i.e. cats.

VI. Goody Bags
Our goody bag should include the following:
tennis ball for stress

Camera

Focal point - Slush Puppy, No! (I torment my wife sometimes by telling her that the Slush Puppy mascot dog's tongue hangs out because of a severe brain freeze that left him with brain damage. Every time I see the sign, I moan "Slush Puppy, No! He tries so hard but he can't pull it back in". She hates it because it makes her sad.)

Music - Cannibal Corpse - Butchered at Birth

Booze - is okay, just don't set up a bar.

NO COLOGNE + PERFUME - staff is allergic due to latex allergies. Now I can't hose the baby down in Axe. Dammit.

Comically over-sized spoon for jacuzzi. Baby soup hilarity.

"SO MUCH UTERUS"

VII.
CALL LIST -Who to call, not just a list of numbers but also priority list of who to call first.

VIII. Group B Strep - will be screened at 36 weeks. Can kill babies.

IX. Car Seats - Inspections. Open box. Inspect it. Learn how to set it up. Try out with stuffed animals or cats.

X. RELAXATION -
A. Posture very important.

XI. PELVIS -

A. Baby becomes engaged in the pelvis. Shoots out the outlet.
B. Pressure is a good thing.
C. DO NOT MAKE POWER FISTING MOTIONS INTO THE DEMONSTRATION PELVIS
D. Hormones + complex genetics control the development of your child. It wont get too big. "Why would you get tricked into making a human drain clog."

XII. DUE DATE

A. About 3% deliver on their due date.
1. Most are about a week over due.
2. What can husband due (sic) for wifey comfort.
a. Candy, ice cream, pizza. Whatever she wants.
B. Physically mom's feel "like shit". My words, not (instructor)'s. Shitty.

XIII. BABY SIZE
A. Baby is genetically and hormonally prepared for birth by the placenta. Whatever weight it reaches is fine.
B. "I'm young. I'm healthy. Positive shit. Happy happy, joy joy."
C. SMILING HILL FARM ANALOGY - Cows hold off labor when they are stressed. Same goes for women. Mmmmm. Banana milk.
(I actually purchased banana milk after this).

XIV. BREAK
A. Katie attempts to place a granola bar wrapper into my pocket. Save this for the divorce attorney. She is a spidery whore.
-She reads this and agrees.

B. Seriously, so much uterus. They're swapping stories about their fears over going in the ocean.

XV. LABOR
A. Pain comes from the thinning cervix.
B. Placenta is running the show. Regulates hormones, signals when birth should become imminent.
C. Effected by full moons, barometric drops, high tides.
D. Sex helps with labor. Male sperm can help. MICHAEL BOLTON DOES NOT HELP FOR SHIT. FILTHY MOTHERFUCKER.

XVI. WATER BREAKS
A. Only happens 1/4 of the time before labor.
B. "If you feel a trickle, you can drop that pickle. I don't want to die. I just want to ride my motor sickle."
C. Fluid level varies - depends where the baby is in the pelvis.
1. Greenish or brownish tinge - myconium = baby gave you a Cleveland Steamer (Katie has pointed out that its actually an Alabama Hot Pocket.)
D. Tightening of the Uterus - Like menstrual cramps.
1. Might be some diarrhea poo poo shits.
2. Cramps become more constant.
3. Call hospital at 5 min. apart.
E. Do not speed! Take Commercial Street. Drunks will slow you down.

XVII. STAGES OF LABOR
A. ACTIVE LABOR - Mom becomes crazy hormonal. Anxious, busy.

B. TRANSITIONAL - Home stretch. Pressure on the hips. Starts saying crazy shit like "Bring me a dog shit taco" and "Feed the dog shit taco to my mom", etc.

XVIII. PUSHING - Baby cannon time.

A. Approx. Average Labor Time - 24hrs first child.

B. Birth Plans are "okay", but if if's and buts were candies and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.

C. Cervix goes from turtleneck to mock turtleneck. Squishy. Turns to t-shirt neck. One loose finger. God help mom when at the tube top stage. Spaghetti straps?

D. ______________ just said vadge exam. Yeah __________! Vadge. That's wicked hawt.

E. "The cervix is an amazing organ." - instructor.
"Yeah! A pipe organ! Ah, dick jokes." - Me

F. Gravity-helping positions shoot that goober out.

G. Father may cut the umbilical cord with scissors.
1. Karate man doesn't need scissors to cut the cord.
2. Gross. Yes he does. Holy fuck, that shit is nasty.


XX. STOCKPILE COMFORT FOODS BEFOREHAND!!

XXI. SKIN TO SKIN - 1-2 hours of skin-to-skin to transition the baby from being in the womb to being out of the womb. The baby stays warms and smells the amniotic fluids.
A. and cheetos and shame.

XXII - EPISIOTOMY - cutting the "pussay bone".
Epiosotomy was considered standard practice for a recent period that ended in the mid-to-late '90s. _____________'s comments seem to reflect some confusion and disdain towards the idea of anyone doing this unless they absolutely had to.

A. Simple things like warm washcloths help the perineum stretch, preventing the need for episiotomy.

B. _____________ goes on to demonstrate the way episiotomy works by pointing out how the skin at the juncture between the thumb and palm bounces when in the "cruel hand" and then pulls tight in a thumbs up-karate chop.

C. Episiotomy rips the poonanny and taint.

D. EPISIOTOMY IS BAD!!

E. DON'T CUT THE TAINT!!!

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At this point we broke for lunch. When we got back, I lost focus and started drawing creepy chimera circus monkey/spider/goat/bats. To be fair, we mostly discussed what brand of maxi pad to buy, the potential positive and negative effects of the various medications (which is fully explained in the purple text book), and then we went on a tour of the facility.

If you take anything away from these notes, I hope its that I love my wife very dearly; I'm trying very hard to be a good, expectant father, which is why I took as many notes as I did; and seriously, episiotomy is bad, don't, for the love of god, cut the taint.