The other night, I went to Borders after work, intent on purchasing a copy of For Whom the Bell Tolls. Once I had located this tome of awesome manliness, I headed over to the occult section to see if they had any new books about Norse or Japanese mythology. While attempting to locate a Vaniir needle in a haystack of post-Twilight homoerotic vampire bullshit, I thought I heard someone say “Hey” to me.
Looking over my shoulder, I made eye contact with this dude. He had long hair, pulled back into a slick pony tail, glasses and a leather trench coat.
“Okay, what you need to do is rebalance your karma.”
I flashed him a what the fuck look.
“You wont reincarnate as someone else.” he said in an urgent tone of voice, “You're just going to repeat the same mistakes over and over.”
Now keep in mind that we were making eye contact and he was speaking in my direction.
“No, it doesn't work that way.”
It was only then that I realized that this fucking new age asshole was having a very loud, idiotic conversation with his bluetooth headset and was just making eye contact with me because he was also a creepy, new age fuck.
….
I would like to meet the inventor of the bluetooth headset, and then I would like to to punch him in the dick with the ancient lucha technique known as “El Cocko-Puncho”. I'm sure he had altruistic intentions in developing his product, but he has actually managed to find a way to make self-important assholes even more obnoxious.
Yes, people who own a bluetooth headset and choose to use it anywhere other than in the car are assholes. In fact, chances are that they are stupid fucking assholes with insipid lives that nobody actually wants to hear about, including the person on the other line. I say this with a fair level of certainty, because I have to listen to other people's bluetooth conversations all the time.
(If I have just pegged you as an asshole, you may now be wondering what I mean by “I have to listen”. Surely, I have better things to be listening to than your conversations. And you are right, I do have other things I would rather be listening to, like the music I am playing or the quiet conversations I am having with people who are actually in close proximity to me. However, because you have a piece of plastic lodged in your ear, you're automatic response is to say everything loudly, as if you are addressing someone who is across the room. As such, it becomes impossible to continue my conversations or enjoy the music I am playing, and I am forced to hear about your stupid bullshit.)
There's an old Hateful Man proverb about turning lemons into lemonade, then throwing the squeezed-out lemon husks at passersby.
Somehow, contemporary social contract theory has come to allow anyone to say anything loudly in public, as long as they have a bluetooth headset on. I certainly did not agree to this, as I am sure anyone who has the ability to think about other people, or at least has a sense of shame, would. However, it seems to be here to stay, so all you can really do is take advantage of it.
Here are some fun activities that exploit this phenomenon!
1. ARTS & CRAFTS
First off, you need to invest in something that LOOKS like a bluetooth headset
If your phone came with a bluetooth headset, awesome. Remove the batteries and use that. If you don't feel like chipping in for a real one, you can always glue a rectangular rubber eraser to an earpiece from a broken pair of headphones and paint it black. Really, it doesn't even have to look that convincing up close, as no one will be willing that close to you.
2. AWKWARD....
Go somewhere very public and crowded. I recommend the waiting room of an Olive Garden on a Friday night, as people will not only be feeling claustrophobic, they'll be irritated both at the restaurants shitty service and themselves for ever thinking eating at an Olive Garden on Friday night (or anytime) was a good idea.
In a slightly louder than normal voice, say something akin to following:
“Hey Babe. It's (insert current time). I just got the results and they're, well, they're not good. The medical term is Hogan-Lacher's Syphilitic Glandular Discharge. Basically, it means that I now have permanently crusty, swollen (testicles or labia). I probably contracted it in Thailand. It's highly contagious. We're probably going to have to put the pets down. You definitely have it if I do. There's a good chance it has infected your (ovaries/testicles) and you're sterile. Give me a call when you get this. I love you.”
Tap the headset, then shake your head, scratch your crotch and say “Oh fuck, I need to get some Purel.”
Run out of the waiting room.
Okay, actually, that's probably illegal. So don't do that. However, short of convincing people that they've contracted some kind of horrible, highly contagious bacterial junk rot, that headset gives you carte blanche to say anything in public.
I recommend the following fake conversations:
“You're adopted Timmy. Stop crying and let me talk to that milfy mother of yours. No, I wont tell you what that means. Why? Because you're a filthy orphan and I want to nail your fake mommy without your fake daddy knowing.”
“I'm calling to let you know I'm breaking up with you because your new haircut and penchant for wearing an oversized flannel shirt makes you look like a Large Marge. I'd actually text this to you, but that costs money.”
“Dad, I am undergoing hormone therapy to become a woman. No, I still have a penis and I still prefer women. I just have my own set of boobs.”
“Sorry for showing your kids The Story of O. It was French. I thought it would be a cultural experience.”
“There was blood in my stool again. Should I call the doctor? Its been a month.”
“We really should try anal. You know the Reagans were fans.”
“I just wanted to say I love you one more time before you die. No, I wont come and visit you. I told you, that place smells of old people and that orange stuff they sprinkle on vomit. Pretend you're a doggie in the kennel.”
When you have these fake conversations, make constant eye contact with people.
3. TAKE BACK THE STREETS
Take the fight to the people handing these fucking headsets out! Go to an AT&T or Verizon store and pace around, having one of the conversations from section 2. Look at cell phones and products. When a clerk asks if you can help them, cut them off before they finish their question by raising your right index finger to indicate that you want them to wait, then tap the headset and and mouth the words “they wont shut up” while making a jabber jaw motion with your left hand. Clerks fucking love that shit. After a minute or two, just leave.
4. TANDEM ASSHOLES
If you know someone else with a hatred for mankind and a bluetooth headset, go to a Walmart and walk around, side by side, having a discussion with each other over your headsets. Discuss the people you see and the products you are passing.
Any time you become “separated” (i.e. more than three feet apart or on either side of another person or an isle), get even louder than you were before.
Have one person go into the restroom and sit in a stall and say “Okay, one more and I'll be out in a minute.”. Have the other person stand out in front and periodically say something like “That is amazing! I can't wait to see you you when you finish. Be sure to wash your hands! Did you use a paper toilet seat guard? Because I don't want you tracking someone's sweaty ass bacteria onto the seats of my prius”.
Hug each other when you are finally reunited.
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