AUTHOR'S NOTE: What follows is the result of a writing exercise where I attempted to create an original, funny idea for a superhero movie parody. It went horribly, horribly wrong, and in the end, I had to turn it into a conversation between two screenwriters.
...........
"How's the new Hulk project coming along, Steve?"
"Ugh. Why is it so hard to make a movie about a guy who gets mad, turns green and throws cars at an old man in a tank and maybe a monster or something?"
"Did you read my script?"
"Banner: Rise of the Incredible Hulk?"
"That's the one!"
"Yes. I did."
"Aaaaaand?"
"It... well it's... just... horrible."
"It forces you to confront your prejudice
against people exposed to gamma rays. Is the metaphor lost on you?"
"No."
"But it affected you?"
"Yes, it profoundly affected me. It made me want to travel back in time and abort you with a coat hanger."
"Look, someone needs to change the dynamic of the summer blockbuster. Turn it on its head before everything goes stale and we're left with Paranormal Activity clones and Melissa McCarthy road movies as the tent poles. I'm juxtaposing heroism with the stark reality of life. This could be the Citizen Kane of superhero movies."
"Yeah, no. Not so much."
"Why not?"
"Because it's wrong."
"No. You're just closed minded. The Hulk can be a vehicle for drama. There was an episode of the old TV show where Banner was on a plane that was about to crash and he had to change into the Hulk to pull it out of a nose dive. It was amazing!"
"INTERIOR. DAYTIME. BRUCE BANNER OPENS THE FIRE DOOR OF HIS FLOOR OF STARK TOWER, pulling off his baseball cap, revealing green splotches. He hurries down the hall, passing HAWKEYE, pretending to scratch an itch in order to hide his condition from his teammate.
This is literally a script for Philadelphia that you pulled off of newsgroups. You just replaced the Tom Hanks character with Bruce
Banner! Your climax has Bruce Banner losing a court battle against Tony Stark and Captain America, then Hulking out and brutally assaulting an already hospitalized MODOC. Having read that out loud, I am going to throw up on behalf of all humanity!"
"What if it were Wolverine, instead?"
"Now you're talking!"
Sunday, April 27, 2014
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