While working out ideas for the "Waxy Nostalgia" post the other day, I recalled a number of incidents over the years where I encountered other guys engaging in what I can only describe as "just doing it wrong" in public bathrooms. I'm not talking about glory holes or "Frisco circles" or any other homoerotic activity that may go on. I honestly don't care about that stuff. What I am referring to are cases where men are showing a basic ignorance of how to properly behave in in a public restroom in the presence of others. For example, I've been in airports a couple of times, walked into the restroom and found business men standing at urinals with their pants completely removed. For reasons I cannot fully comprehend, I found these encounters baffling and terrifying. Did they not understand the unspoken laws of the public restroom? There are certain behaviors that men should be taught from the moment they master the art of toiletry. Here I attempted to jot down the important ones in a relatively mature, yet hateful manner so that today's young, hateful man does not end up tomorrows "that guy".
Ah, the public restroom! As much as you may try avoiding it, at some point in your life, you will have to use a public restroom. Before setting foot in a public restroom, you should probably know the Unspoken Man Laws of the Restroom. Yes, Virginia, there are unspoken rules about public restrooms. Not following these rules can reduce your social standing to zero, ruin your chances of getting a loan and stigmatize your offspring.
Because we live in a gentle age of standardized testing, lowered social expectations and greater acceptance of dudes walking around, touching their balls, these critical rules may not have been passed on to you. As such, I am presenting them here as a service to you, my dear readers.
I. ACCEPTABLE ATTIRE
Regardless of whether you are a wearing your finest Calvin peeing on the No Fear logo shirt or an Armani suit, the public restroom is an unnatural environment for your clothing. Doubtless, every inch of every surface is slick with a mix of urine, feces, semen, Axe body spray, semen, snot, semen, blood, used shaving cream and semen. You do not want to get any of that shit on the over-sized, wrap-around eagle print t-shirt you got from the discount bin at Kohls last week. Your natural reaction may be to be to remove all of your clothing.
DO REMOVE YOUR CLOTHING. Remember, your clothes are there primarily to protect your flesh from the elements - especially the filthy ones. Nobody wants to walk into a bathroom and find a fully disrobed man standing at a urinal. It's terrifying. It forces other people to ask questions that they don't want to be asking when they are attempting to defecate in a public restroom. Defecating in a public restroom is already difficult. Even if the naked man is wearing shoes, that man was at least briefly barefoot in a public restroom while removing their pants, and that thought pattern is not conducive to defecation.
Instead of removing your clothing, take a look down the crotch of your pants, fella.
Notice that you have several apparatuses down there. You may have a belt. Even if you don't have a belt, you should have a button and a fly. These items allow you to pull your pants down without removing them completely, thus preserving the dignity of the restroom, as well as your own.
(On a side note, if you see an elastic band, determine if you are wearing sweat pants or pajamas. If you are wearing either of these items, please exit the restroom and do your business in the gutter, because this is a Mensroom, not a Man-Child's Room)
Do not pull your pants down until you are within striking range of the urinal or before you actually have entered the stall and shut the door. Pull your pants back up before stepping away from the urinal or exiting the stall.
Once you have lowered your pants to ankle length while preparing to urinate, you will need to free your genitals from from the confines of your underwear. In this case, you have two options - you can either pull your penis through the fly of your underpants or lower the waistband until your genitals are accessible. If you choose the first option of pulling your penis through the fly of your underwear, do not pull your testicles through the opening. Pulling your testicles through your fly is weird and creepy and discourages others from wanting to be your special bathroom times friend.
Your undershirt MUST remain on at all times. If you are wondering why your shirt must remain on at all times in the public restroom, consider the following: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM. Do you pee through your nipples? If you do, you may want to consult your podiatrist. If you are wondering why you should consult a foot doctor about peeing from your nipples, bare in mind that you already remove your shirt in public restrooms which DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE TO BEGIN WITH!
II. ACCEPTABLE COMMUNICATION
Communication, with the exception of a satisfied groan or frustrated grunt, is absolutely forbidden within five feet of the urinal or within the confines of the stall. Any and all who violate the sacred vow of silence are to no longer be considered men, and will be from now on considered Un-Men.
The sole exception to this rule is in the case of assassination attempts in which the assailant yells "Wah" or some variation on "Wah", or makes a terrible pun regarding the manner in which they dispatched their target, a "knife to meet you" or "that's all she garrote", for example. Chances are, however, that you are not an assassin, so keep your mouth shut.
If your cellphone rings while you are engaged at the urinal or on the commode, do not answer it. The person on the other end does not want to know that they are intruding upon your defecation or urination. They probably don't even consider you a human being, and therefore don't want to know that you have biological functions.
If an Un-Man attempts initiate conversation with you while you are in the confines of the stall, do not respond. If the Un-Man persists, you may clear your throat. If the Un-Man still does not grasp the situation, you are allowed to do one of the following:
a. Continue coughing, but subtly sneak in a few insults.
b. Kick in the stall door, point at them, bug out your eyes, pull down your pants and evacuate your bowels. Once your bowels have been evacuated, continue to stand in your filth, go cock-eyed and release a pleasurable moan followed by a prolonged fart. Without attempting to clean yourself up or pulling your pants, extend your arms and move in for a hug.
c. Pull your legs up so that they can no longer be seen.
I recommend option a.
If an Un-Man attempts to initiate conversation with you at the urinal, you are within your rights to turn your entire body to the side and continue urinating, regardless of whether you are hitting a partition or the Un-Man's leg. This is the only acceptable thing you can do. Upon completion of your urination, you may attempt to get a high-five.
Once you have finished your sissies and boom-booms (those are scientific etiquette terms, not my own), resist any urges you may have to speak until you have taken six full strides away from the stall or urinal.
You may converse at the sink while washing your hands, however, you should keep the subject matter of your conversations impersonal and brief. A simple, old fashioned "How's your father" or "Your stubble looks scratchy, Gene" will suffice.
Any conversations that you may have been having prior to entering the restroom absolutely must resume at an awkward clip immediately upon stepping out through the threshold of the doorway into the hallway.
III. DON'T BE A URINATION ABOMINATION
There are multiple ways to go about relieving your bladder: the right way, the wrong way and the all kinds of wrong way.
Once you have lowered your pants and exposed your genitals, you are presented with the age old question of whether to aim or not. The correct answer, of course, is yes, you absolutely must hold your penis and aim the stream of urine. Even if you posses the freakish ability to aim your urine stream solely with the muscles in your penis, you are doing your fellow bathroom patrons a courtesy by holding your penis, as it reassures them that you are not going to urinate on them. Choosing the wrong answer of not aiming at all will effectively castrate you, should word of your carelessness get out. Women hate men who pee all willy-nilly all over toilets.
Aim the stream of urine at the center of the urinal's basin. The proprietor of the restroom may have provided you with a urinal cake, which, as you probably long surmised, exists for the sole purpose of providing urinal neophytes with a convenient target.
While standing at the urinal and urinating, resist the urge to look around. Always try to look straight ahead or lean your head back. Even if you suspect that someone is about to ambush you, do not look around. It is better to suffer a physical assault or the loss of your wallet, watch, wedding ring, grill, cell phone, roller blades, and wristbands than to lose face in front of your special bathroom time friends.
IV. THE SUPER GROWN UP PORTION IN WHICH WE DISCUSS DEFECATION
Its an absolutely untrue fact that in January, 1975, Marlo Thomas attempted to follow up her popular "Free to Be You and Me" material with the instructional "Free to Feces You and Meesies", in which she and an extremely intoxicated Ertha Kitt encouraged children to be themselves and defecate however they wanted. While the album directly led to the Khmer Rouge surrendering, and thus ended the Cambodian Civil War, it also became a rallying call for The Standers Movement - a group of home school parents who encouraged their children to stand while relieving their bowels because they felt that sitting on the toilet inspired shame.
History, of course, has shown that The Standers Movement were horribly wrong. Even gentle Jimmy Carter singled them out as "reprehensible, bathroom destroying hippie scum" during his 1979 State of the Union Address. "Clearly," he unequivocally opined during that otherwise forgettable speech, "there is only one way to produce a stool, and that is sitting down on a toilet, and anyone who disagrees with me should be forcefully reeducated."
Upon fully stepping into a stall, turn and face the door. Pull your pants and underwear down around your ankles. Sit down on the toilet in such a way that your bottom is over the water. Defecation is not even remotely like sex. This is the only way to do it. There is no defecation equivalent of reverse cowgirl. If there is, I do not want to know about it.
When you step into a bathroom stall, you are effectively stepping onto hallowed ground- a cream, mint or obsidian sanctuary from the interferences of the outside world. Remember to do your part to keep this sanctuary clean. Do not leave wads of toilet paper on the floor.
One should clear their mind of stressful thoughts when sitting on the toilet. Likewise, one should not think directly about the act of defecation while defecating. Instead, one should envision metaphors for the biological process unfolding below their belly button. Picture trains coming out of a long dark tunnel, a B52 dropping bombs over the enemy fleet, or Boris Yeltsin breastfeeding a foot long hot dog. Do not think of sexy women, your sixth grade D.A.R.E. officer or the candiru of the Amazon Basin, as these concepts can leading to clenching.
If, for some reason, you should have reading materials handy, you may, by all means, peruse them.
Do not eat while inside the stall. While the safety you feel
sealed within its confines may give you the notion that this is an
opportune moment for snacking, it most certainly is not. Beyond
sanitary considerations, the rustling of plastic and foil wrappers may
cause others in the bathroom to clench up or completely withdraw their
still-active genitals, creating a mess and upsetting the psychological
balance of the environment.
Flush the toilet when you have finished. If particles remain after
your initial flush (a common occurrence in this age of low pressure
toilets), give the toilet a second, third or even fourth flush to ensure
that the next person to occupy this stall does not have to contemplate
the dark details of your dietary regimen. If your recent efforts have
left the stall haunted by a particularly pungent vapor, consider
lighting a match.
If, by some freak occurrence, you manage to clog the toilet of a public restroom with your feces, you are required to kick open the stall and run away. Your arms should be flailing over your head like Kermit the Frog and you must yell "Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!" until you cross paths with a custodian. This unspoken language of the American Men's Room signals to all other men that the toilet is out of order.
V. THE GRAND FINALE
Upon conclusion of your bowel movement, pull your pants back up and step out of the stall or away from the urinal. Be sure to yell "Hey fellows! I have finished!" and hold up one or two fingers to indicate which bodily function you have just completed in order to give the next man in line an understanding of what to expect once they step up to the plate. Try to give him a sportsmanlike high-five as you pass each other.
Once you have informed your new special bathroom times friends that the stall or urinal is free, make your way to the sink. At this juncture, you may wash your hands with soap and water or pantomime the act, should the fancy strike you. Dry your hands with a paper towel or using an electric hand dryer. If the bathroom is out of paper towels and no hand dryer is available, it is perfectly acceptable to wipe your hands on the back of someone waiting in line.
Make your way out of the bathroom, making sure to tip your hat to your special bathroom times friends and wish them a pleasant experience.
VI. CONCLUSION
Well, there you have it, friends. While I may have left out a few important details (like wiping), most of these concepts are things you should know instinctively. And, if you lack these instincts, you will naturally be removed from the gene pool, so I feel no need to pass them on.
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